Guest blog: What do you mean I'm a carer?

With thanks to Compassionista, I present my first guest blog entry! I go by the name RR, and I wanted to share with you some personal experiences of being a carer. I hope that perhaps they help you feel less alone as a carer/family member/friend, and perhaps give you an insight into a world you may be involved in without even realising it.

1. It's OK to be a carer

There's something quite disconcerting about the first time you are referred to as a "carer". You've been with your partner for however long and feel like you know them inside out. You know their brilliance, their flaws, their likes/dislikes, and their passions. In fact you don't just feel you know, you know you know. So when someone refers to you as their carer, you think to yourself, "Eh? I'm not a carer - I'm their partner! What are you talking about - they're not in need of a carer!" Then you take a step back and realise that all this time, it's not them that you've not known about or been aware of - it's you. You've perhaps always spent time helping your partner through difficult times, or supporting them through anxiety/panic attacks, or helping them through depression, but you may never have considered yourself as a carer. It may feel quite uncomfortable to class yourself as a carer, but believe me that part of our journey has been critical to us. As soon as I was able to step back and see what I was doing, I was able to start supporting myself too. Anxiety/depression/any kind of mental ill health is like a virus - it starts in one, then spreads to others. It's very difficult to stay afloat sometimes but this is exactly why it's so important to recognise that if it is in your family, you all need help and support.

2. No-one teaches you how to handle this

It seems obvious, but there genuinely is no manual for how to approach life when there's mental health difficulties involved. I spend so much of my time wondering if I am doing the best thing for my partner and whether other people would be more able/if I'm the right person for them.

I promise though - if you're with your partner, you listen, hug, and support them - you're doing a great job. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can, there's no "correct" way.

3. You'll feel very conflicted about lots of things

I've been with my partner for 10 years now (for my sins) and time seems to have genuinely flown by. I thought I'd never get to the age where I understood and appreciated cliches but sadly I think I have succumbed to the Hollywood notion of time flying. It has been 10 wonderful years, but 10 years full of challenges, heartache, and fear with lives surrounded by mental illness. I've always wondered to myself if I would have changed any of it and in truth, it's a difficult question. I would give literally anything I have ever experienced/owned for my partner to not have to go through what she does, without even thinking about it (in fact if anyone can offer this service, I do have quite a nice car you might like). On the other hand, all of the experiences we have been through has made us who we both are. I love my partner and I wouldn't have her any other way. Quite a dichotomy! How the hell am I meant to reconcile that?! Answer is - I don't think I can!

4. It might be quite difficult to keep track of your own wellbeing

This really is a bugger. Remember what I said about mental illness being a virus? Yeah it really does get places. It's very hard to balance a life with someone when there's mental ill health in the middle of it, and I've often found times where I am so focused on my partner that the next day I'm feeling like utter rubbish. I've had quite a few tests for some physical illnesses that have shown nothing. Why I wonder? Because they were much more likely to be affected by stress.

The clincher? You might feel guilty if you prioritise yourself. Oh yes - your brain is good at playing the guilt card! I've had to learn though that I'm of no use to anyone if I'm burned out, frazzled, and stressed - I have to make sure I look after myself just as much as I do anyone else around me.

5. Get ready to be angry

Yes, it is unfair.
Yes, the NHS struggles with mental health.
Yes, this is happening.
Yes, you may be in it for the long haul.
Yes, some people may not understand.
Yes, I promise you, there are people out there that can help.

Anger is common. It's a massive deal all of this, and your emotion needs to express it somehow. I know I need to both let my anger be, but to also challenge it where possible.

6. You'll want more than anything to be their Superman/Superwoman

This is possibly the hardest and most heart-breaking part of being a carer. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help my partner through a difficult period, but sometimes all you can do is to be there. Not to give advice, help, or anything. Actually just to physically be there. If you're wondering what to do and how to help, and that nothing seems to be helping - just try being there. There's nothing more important than just being there selflessly and non-judgementally for someone. Trust me, they'll thank you for it so much more than anything else. Nothing has ever put across the difficulty of being a carer better than this picture (it's from a wonderful book you can get here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431)

These points are just the tip of the iceberg, and I could go into more. I hope though that if, like me, you are caring for someone (or even if you know a carer) you can start to feel less isolated, less alone. It's going to be scary sometimes, but you'll get through. You're doing a wonderful job.

Next time I'll post about some of things I try to do to keep myself afloat, and also some of the things I have been able to help my partner with over the years. In time, I'll also share some of my experiences around therapeutic services, talking therapies, carer support, mental health charities, and others, and I hope that they will be of some support.

Until next time!

RR ~

Top Tips for Managing Anxiety (and Depression) Part 3 - Helplines

Hi everyone,

A short post today on my next tip! Its nice for you to have different length posts to read and also because today has been a day of simply surviving... This picture comes to mind and really helps.

Today I'm blogging about Tip #4 Mental Health Helplines

In our house I have the numbers for my favourite helplines on a pin-board near my wristbands and numbers chalkboard (see Tip #1). If my numbers get too high and I feel the anxiety or depressive feelings need to be let out and I REALLY need a listening ear, then I know these numbers are there. The phone comes out and so do my emotions! And I feel LIGHTER.... 

Here are a few to ponder: 

Samaritans 116 123

SANEline 0300 304 7000 *

CALM 0800 58 58 58 
(a helpline for men who need a safe space to chat and they have a web chat too if you'd prefer)

* I use the Textcare service too. You can register to get free text messages of kind words and encouragement at times of the week you can often feel low. There's lots of other support too, including web forums and Caller Care! Check it out! 

And there's a more extensive list here from the NHS! NHS Mental Health Helplines

Sometimes it can be really nerve wracking to call a helpline. All kinds of thoughts run through my head... what if I clam up and can't speak, what will they ask me, what should I say first, is it weak to call for help.... and the onslaught goes on!..... 

If these thoughts sound familiar or are coming to mind now just thinking of calling a helpline, then I can tell you - take positive action despite your thoughts. We're all human, humans have emotions. Emotions are awesome things. They make us beautiful, give us the power to connect to others and do amazingly fun and kind things together! But they can also make us feel terrible and they're sometimes pretty hard to understand.... But that's normal! Everybody needs to manage their emotions to lead healthy lives. And I've found these helplines are a great way to do this. 

The people on the end of the line are always so kind and understanding, and so proud of you for calling and sharing! Please try to tell yourself you're not weak. How is it weak to take action to help ourselves feel at our best? Surely its responsible and what we all deserve... Easier said then done I know! Particularly with the stigma so many of us face. And I'm not here to tell you how to think, but I do want to encourage others to support their own mental wellbeing and the wellbeing of others. But take it from me, a fellow 'emotionalist' who fights to tell herself she's not weak, far from it, we're brave! 

So when are some of the instances helplines have helped me? 

1. In the middle of the night when I've felt suicidal.

2. When I feel a panic attack building.

3. When I'm on my own, for whatever reason, and I feel down or demotivated.

4. When I feel a problem is overwhelming me and I need to verbalise things to       think more clearly.

5. When I just can't stop crying.

6. When I feel angry (it's a great alternative to just yelling at the nearest poor soul).

And I'm sure there will be more times, and I'm ok with that. I'm so lucky we have volunteers there to listen. 

I hope this might help you to think if you might like to try calling one in future. It can be another tool in the coping strategy toolbox that might just work for you. 

Thank you so much for reading,

Compassionista x

P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible. 

Top Tips for Managing Anxiety

Anxiety doesn't discriminate, it really can affect anyone. And it can affect us in different ways, from specific fears and phobias, short term episodes and longer term debilitating mental health problems. I have suffered clinical anxiety for many years, but I also get day-to-day anxieties that are part of a healthy psyche. 

So I thought, given my experience and the commonality of anxiety in different shapes and forms, I would share my tips on how I manage it. Also, I have expert help for my brain, in the form of an amazing clinical psychologist with years of experience, an amazing support group, friends who understand and I've read a lot of self-help books.....(not everyone gets access to such an amazing support network).... so I figure, what I've learned is well worth sharing. 

And of course, one of the best antidotes to anxiety, is learning self-compassion, so this seems a good post for a Compassionista to write!

I have found I need to manage my anxiety with short term and longer term antidotes. So I'm going to share a wide variety of ideas, some quicker to try than others. But I do think there is no quick-fix. What is fixing anyway? Isn't the spectrum of the human condition so broad, that the idea of 'fixing' anyone or ourselves is unrealistic and inappropriate? But anyway, here we go:
Oh - and one more tinny thing (sorry!).... I'm splitting this post into lots of mini-posts... because breaking things down into small steps is a great antidote to anxiety! 

1. Communication - the beginning of self-regulation.

A) If you have a person close to you who you feel can understand and support your anxiety then these communication strategies could help you feel safe in tough times, but they can also be used to communicate with yourself - to know you're own state of mind and act accordingly. 

I have coloured wristbands. I wear them to indicate how high my anxiety is at any one moment. I have red for really really 'get me outta here' high anxiety, orange for 'I'm not so good right now', yellow for 'I'm managing pretty well' and green for 'hey, I'm feeling nice and relaxed.' My husband is my 'person who gets it' who knows what these mean. It is a really easy way for him to be able to actively help me manage my anxiety, without having to communicate verbally. This is great for when we're out with friends or if my anxiety is making it difficult for me to communicate.

It is also a way of me reminding myself to check in with my head. Sometimes, before I used my wrist bands, I would get carried away in a day and perhaps do more than my nerves could handle, speed through the day and find myself with a panic attack for company at the end of it. It helps me pause and listen to my needs. It usually means I put the kettle on practice some self-care!

I loved it when I was at the IOW Festival this year that my colourful wristbands fitted in beautifully - but mine were really saying something.....

Ooooh, and I have black, grey and white ones when I need to be more subtle :)

B) I also use a numbers scale. I regularly rate how anxious I'm feeling on a scale of 1 - 10, where 1 is quite low anxiety and 10 is the highest anxiety. I have a chalkboard in my hallway with chalk easily to hand where I rate my anxiety as soon as I walk through the door. I will also often text the number to my husband on a regular basis. I hope everyone can find someone they feel they can trust to share this information with, and if you're not sure who's up to the job, suggestion 2 should help! 

These numbers serve much the same purpose as the wristbands, but they are also useful in tracking your anxiety across a longer period of time. You can begin to see patterns in your life that can trigger higher anxiety and then take steps to lower it.

2. Find your people.

Ok, this isn't hard now... anxiety is everywhere! You need to find people you can talk to who suffer the same way. I joined a charity offering lots of social activities for people with mental health problems and immediately I realised how free I could be, I could say how anxious I was and everyone was just like, yeah me too! Lets talk about it and feel better. Its like I finally found a volume button for all the judgemental thoughts and I turned it right down! I really found a place where I could start to be myself and my confidence started to build. 

I also found a support group - actually, I've have had the support of at least 3 groups at one point! The power of sharing and reflecting..... To voice your struggles, to hear the struggles of others, to talk about the harsh realities of modern life and know that its ok to say 'I'm not coping' is so helpful. Even though sometimes you can feel worse, you gain more understanding of your problems and can consider how you can move forward with them. Knowledge is power! And these amazing people will be there for you every week! Also sometimes, to just listen to others, gives you a break from the constant internal monologue. And then the best bit... when you find you can help someone else - and you realise you might just be able to help yourself too! 

After a long time of attending support groups, I now run my own, closer to my local area. I never thought I'd have the confidence to facilitate one! You never know what you're journey meeting others who suffer could lead too! You can help yourself and help others. 

That's it for now.... phew I hear you sigh... :) Coming up soon: creating an emergency box, picking a helpline that's right for you, self-care, using CBT and mindfulness and doing your favourite things! To name but a few!

Thank you so much

for reading,

Compassionista x