If a loved one has to have an operation you'd want to know about it right? Then you could support them, visit them, and care for them. You'd want to be told so you could help them recover and be there for them. They will most likely tell you what's going on and if they didn't tell you, for some reason, something would give it away. Perhaps a crutch for a broken leg or diet changes after surgery, so you'd realise they were unwell and that something was going on. When you're diagnosed with a mental illness it is a bit different. There are often no easily distinguishable physical signs. There may be more subtle signs such as weight changes, taking new tablets, or lethargy but these can be hidden and explained away by sufferers. And its so hard for the sufferer to actually tell you they're unwell because of the shame and fear of being judged. This means mental illness can be kept secret by a sufferer. Can you imagine keeping heart disease a secret because you're ashamed? Should it be this way for mental illness? It's not that I'm saying it's in some way better to have a physical illness, god no. What I am saying is that all illness needs compassion and support to heal and the stigma around mental illness is a barrier to those who need that most. It is only in recent years I have told my loved ones the true extent of my mental illness, but the lack of honesty has come at great cost. Being open and honest about suffering from a mental illness means you can reach out to others for help and support. I've been lying for years about why I am tried when I turn up at work, saying I didn't sleep well because the cats woke me up. Really though, I've slept for about 3 hours total because it took me 2 hours to get to sleep because I was having intrusive thoughts I'd harmed someone without realising it, or having traumatic flashbacks and nightmares. Perhaps if I said that to my work colleagues rather than "I don't know I just didn't sleep well, probably my own fault, I just need a better routine," I'd get the cup of tea and hug I actually need, rather than us all making idle chit chat about how no one seems to be able to get a good nights sleep these days. When I had my most serious mental health crisis I lied to my parents who were on holiday saying how well Uni was going, when I'd actually just dropped out and been diagnosed with OCD, for fear of letting them down and spoiling their holiday. However now I realise holidays are important, but the health of your loved ones is more so. I've also realised I'm not a let down, I suffer from a mental illness, they're different things. Talking about mental health is so important because not only does it start to allow us to show the same care and compassion to those with mental ill health that we do with physical ill health, but also because it helps us get better. It is part of the cure. When you're unwell physically you problem solve together - you care for someone by working out how to make them more comfortable, what food to eat and how to get sleep and rest. This is what a mental illness needs. Love, care, support, discussion, and problem solving. How can we access any of that if we can't even tell people we're ill? And need I not remind you that 1 in 4 of us will suffer from a mental illness at some point in our lives, so being able to talk about mental health is important to us all. We've been lead to believe mental illness is shameful and somehow our fault, but that's completely wrong. If I'd brought my OCD, depression, anxiety or trauma on myself then I'd be able to just think my way out of it because I must have thought myself into it... Well that's not right, is it? Mental illnesses ARE illnesses, not a self-induced state of mind. Please let's all get that straight right now. Compassionista xxx
P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.
Depression is a unique, horrible and well hidden illness. But it is affecting more and more people, so I wanted to share some ideas on the things that have helped me get through it, past and present, that might help others.
Depression can affect people in different ways, so I will try to explain how I experience it. This video puts it perfectly for me. If this sounds familiar, give these ideas a try if you can, they might help.... even a bit.
1. Find a charity that offer peer support
This is similar to my advice on the 'Find Your People post on anxiety.' Peer support, for me, is amazing. It can help so much to find a supportive environment and share experiences with others. It's not a quick fix, because there really isn't one. But when you are having a day when the depression is really bad and getting out of bed seems daunting and seemingly impossible, it can help to know that there are people out there who feel the same and who are rooting for you.
Charities have a lot on offer now, from support groups and social groups,to advice and coaching services. To know that your support group members care for you and would really miss you if you weren't around or to know that there is a cup of tea with your name on it waiting for you can be enough to help you find the will to fight. I always think having depression makes you physically feel like you're walking through treacle and just having a shower can take me hours. But knowing I have people who care waiting for me helps so much. Or perhaps you're feeling anxious about filling out a form, there might well be a local advocate who can help you do that.
Where do I find a charity?Google is a great place to start but there are also a lot of information lines that might be able to help provide the contacts of local charities e.g. Mind and Rethink but also your GP will hopefully have links with support that's local to you.
2. Seek professional treatment
Depression is a mental illness, and mental illness is a serious and real as physical illness.You deserve support to get through this and going to see your GP is really critical to getting well. You're GP will be able to refer you for psychological therapies, prescribe medication if you would like, signpost you to support groups and charities, assess your safety and monitor your illness.
It can be very daunting to make that first visit, but it is very important. If you don't find one GP is very helpful, then you can always try visiting another one in your practice. More and more GP's are making connections with local support services and the profile of mental health is being raised, so it is well worth having a chat to them. See if you can ask a friend or relative to go with you if you think that would help.
I have found talking therapy and mindfulness training has helped me so much and my GP was able to recommend an excellent hospital for me to go to. If you have private medical cover its worth seeing if it covers talking therapies. Sometimes there can be long waiting lists on the NHS, much like many things, and private treatment can be expensive. Personally I've found the money myself and my family have spent on treatment for my mental illnesses is the best investment we've ever made. I recently came across this excellent article on ways to find affordable therapy and sometimes charities provide scalable therapy services, so tip #1 is a good one to follow.
You can access therapy in so many ways too now. Talk to your GP about online CBT, for example from IESO or see if your workplace has an Employee Assistance Program, you can often access free phone or email counselling this way.
If you do decide to undertake talking therapy you need to set aside time outside of sessions to work with your thoughts and feelings. It is hard work. My house is full of CBT worksheets and I have so many notebooks I'm single-handedly keeping Paperchase going! I practice my mindfulness exercises everyday and I write in my journal to help recognise any unhelpful thinking patterns as soon as possible. So I guess I'm trying to say, it really is worth doing your homework.
3. Self-care
When you have the flu its best to rest up and get well. Sometimes we're tempted to carry on with a load of cough and cold remedies, but actually rest and care is the most effective way to get well. It's no different with depression. You're body and mind are under attack from an illness. Care is what you need.
Self-care is different for everyone but here are some ideas to start you off with.
See if a friend or loved one can help out with the chores or looking after the kids until you're well.
See if you can take some time off work or talk to you manager about making adjustments whilst you're not well e.g. regular rest breaks or working a more flexible pattern (you're GP can help recommend this to your work place if you request an Occupational Health assessment).
Allow enough time for rest and sleep. If sleep is difficult see if you can create a helpful routine (I will make sure I post about mine in future).
Set out daily time to do activities that comfort you. Perhaps watching you're favourite TV program, eating your favourite food or doing something you enjoy like going to the cinema. Pick things that are low anxiety and as enjoyable as anything can be right now, given how you're feeling.
Curl up a lot - get a blanket, a cup of tea, put the TV on and tuck yourself up on the sofa as often as possible. This is what you do for a physical illness, mental illness needs the same care. Whenever you're feeling anxious or low, consider whether you need self-care.
When I've been really depressed in the past and I felt suicidal, my husband would book cinema tickets regularly. I loved the cinema, we would pick quiet showings where no one was around. I would dress in my tracksuit, buy pick-a-mix and hot chocolate and literally curl up in the dark cinema and get lost in the film. It was about the only thing I enjoyed at that time. I would call my husband to explain I was feeling suicidal and he would help me to promise I'd wait to see the film before I did anything. And week by week I kept making it to the cinema.... I'm still here 4 years later and I still love movies!
4. Self-help
Self-help books aren't for everyone. But, if you do like reading or you're willing to give it a try, there really is an amazing wealth of therapeutic material out there. When I was really unwell the first time, I was too ill to work. So I needed to create a structure for myself and I wanted to find out what I could do to help me recover. I find when I'm suffering a really bad bout of depression I cannot concentrate on reading a book, I often don't have the energy to even sit up! So I decided to try audiobooks.I would listen, sometimes fall asleep, sometimes cry too much to hear what was being said, but I'd try again the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I'd follow along with a copy of the book from the library. Until eventually I found the ideas were sinking in and I was ready to try some of the self-help techniques recommended. Now, I have incorporated so many of the techniques I've learned into my life to improve my wellbeing and I use them in conjunction with my therapy.
Here are just a few of my favourites!
CBT for Dummies by Rob Wilson and Rhena Branch (this helped me overcome my depression)
Overcoming Perfectionism by Roz Shafran, Sarah Egan and Tracey Wade (this helped me reduce the risk of relapse)
Sane New World: Taming the Mind also by Ruby Wax(this helped me realise I wasn't alone and begun to teach me mindfulness to manage my illness)
I thank all you lovely authors for changing my life! I'm serious, these books have!
If all that isn't for you.... how about trying a wellbeing app or an online self-help course. I've never used it myself but the NHS recommend FearFighter, an online CBT based program for fear, panic and anxiety and I've had MoodGYM recommended to me in the past. I haven't tried these yet, so if anyone has, please share your experiences in the comments! Thank you!
And here is a link to some apps from the Mind website Apps for Wellbeing and Mental Health. As I've mentioned before, I use the Headspace app to learn mindfulness meditation. I'm currently working on the depression pack and for me its proving really helpful. It helps me to relate to my thoughts and feelings in a different way, and its comforting to know there are techniques out there to help me recover.
5. One post-it at a time
This was something my counsellor helped me to do. When I was completely broken down and struggling to function at all, she gave me post-its to help change my life. At the time I was living in pyjamas and making whale noises!
(My husband would come home at 5.30pm and run me a bath. I would manage to peel myself off the sofa, take my pyjamas off and get in the bath. Then I would soak until I was all shrivelled up like a pea.... he would try and talk to me, I would just moan. I call this pyjamas and whale noises. If I ever write a book.... that's the title!)
I was tasked with writing out 3 post-its at a time. They were simple things to begin to get me moving. I would stick them up on the wall and just work on one post it at a time. I remember one was to wash up a knife and fork, and that was it (you cannot wash up when you're really depressed, it is physically impossible, unless you're suffering obsession at the same time - then I scream if someone tries to peel me away from it...). That was a tough time. But I've realised now I have an illness. And that's just one thing that helped me to cope.
If you're currently functioning a little more than I was back then, try using post-its to manage your time, celebrate your achievements and pace yourself. Don't forget to include lots of self-care on there!
That's all from me now. I hope this is helpful to someone, its been helpful for me to share.
Take care everyone and take 'self-care',
Compassionista xxx
P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.
With thanks to Compassionista, I present my first guest blog entry! I go by the name RR, and I wanted to share with you some personal experiences of being a carer. I hope that perhaps they help you feel less alone as a carer/family member/friend, and perhaps give you an insight into a world you may be involved in without even realising it. 1. It's OK to be a carer There's something quite disconcerting about the first time you are referred to as a "carer". You've been with your partner for however long and feel like you know them inside out. You know their brilliance, their flaws, their likes/dislikes, and their passions. In fact you don't just feel you know, you know you know. So when someone refers to you as their carer, you think to yourself, "Eh? I'm not a carer - I'm their partner! What are you talking about - they're not in need of a carer!" Then you take a step back and realise that all this time, it's not them that you've not known about or been aware of - it's you. You've perhaps always spent time helping your partner through difficult times, or supporting them through anxiety/panic attacks, or helping them through depression, but you may never have considered yourself as a carer. It may feel quite uncomfortable to class yourself as a carer, but believe me that part of our journey has been critical to us. As soon as I was able to step back and see what I was doing, I was able to start supporting myself too. Anxiety/depression/any kind of mental ill health is like a virus - it starts in one, then spreads to others. It's very difficult to stay afloat sometimes but this is exactly why it's so important to recognise that if it is in your family, you all need help and support. 2. No-one teaches you how to handle this It seems obvious, but there genuinely is no manual for how to approach life when there's mental health difficulties involved. I spend so much of my time wondering if I am doing the best thing for my partner and whether other people would be more able/if I'm the right person for them. I promise though - if you're with your partner, you listen, hug, and support them - you're doing a great job. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can, there's no "correct" way. 3. You'll feel very conflicted about lots of things I've been with my partner for 10 years now (for my sins) and time seems to have genuinely flown by. I thought I'd never get to the age where I understood and appreciated cliches but sadly I think I have succumbed to the Hollywood notion of time flying. It has been 10 wonderful years, but 10 years full of challenges, heartache, and fear with lives surrounded by mental illness. I've always wondered to myself if I would have changed any of it and in truth, it's a difficult question. I would give literally anything I have ever experienced/owned for my partner to not have to go through what she does, without even thinking about it (in fact if anyone can offer this service, I do have quite a nice car you might like). On the other hand, all of the experiences we have been through has made us who we both are. I love my partner and I wouldn't have her any other way. Quite a dichotomy! How the hell am I meant to reconcile that?! Answer is - I don't think I can! 4. It might be quite difficult to keep track of your own wellbeing This really is a bugger. Remember what I said about mental illness being a virus? Yeah it really does get places. It's very hard to balance a life with someone when there's mental ill health in the middle of it, and I've often found times where I am so focused on my partner that the next day I'm feeling like utter rubbish. I've had quite a few tests for some physical illnesses that have shown nothing. Why I wonder? Because they were much more likely to be affected by stress. The clincher? You might feel guilty if you prioritise yourself. Oh yes - your brain is good at playing the guilt card! I've had to learn though that I'm of no use to anyone if I'm burned out, frazzled, and stressed - I have to make sure I look after myself just as much as I do anyone else around me. 5. Get ready to be angry Yes, it is unfair. Yes, the NHS struggles with mental health. Yes, this is happening. Yes, you may be in it for the long haul. Yes, some people may not understand. Yes, I promise you, there are people out there that can help. Anger is common. It's a massive deal all of this, and your emotion needs to express it somehow. I know I need to both let my anger be, but to also challenge it where possible. 6. You'll want more than anything to be their Superman/Superwoman This is possibly the hardest and most heart-breaking part of being a carer. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help my partner through a difficult period, but sometimes all you can do is to be there. Not to give advice, help, or anything. Actually just to physically be there. If you're wondering what to do and how to help, and that nothing seems to be helping - just try being there. There's nothing more important than just being there selflessly and non-judgementally for someone. Trust me, they'll thank you for it so much more than anything else. Nothing has ever put across the difficulty of being a carer better than this picture (it's from a wonderful book you can get here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431)
These points are just the tip of the iceberg, and I could go into more. I hope though that if, like me, you are caring for someone (or even if you know a carer) you can start to feel less isolated, less alone. It's going to be scary sometimes, but you'll get through. You're doing a wonderful job. Next time I'll post about some of things I try to do to keep myself afloat, and also some of the things I have been able to help my partner with over the years. In time, I'll also share some of my experiences around therapeutic services, talking therapies, carer support, mental health charities, and others, and I hope that they will be of some support. Until next time! RR ~
A short post today on my next tip! Its nice for you to have different length posts to read and also because today has been a day of simply surviving... This picture comes to mind and really helps.
Today I'm blogging about Tip #4 Mental Health Helplines
In our house I have the numbers for my favourite helplines on a pin-board near my wristbands and numbers chalkboard (see Tip #1). If my numbers get too high and I feel the anxiety or depressive feelings need to be let out and I REALLY need a listening ear, then I know these numbers are there. The phone comes out and so do my emotions! And I feel LIGHTER....
CALM0800 58 58 58 (a helpline for men who need a safe space to chat and they have a web chat too if you'd prefer)
* I use the Textcare service too. You can register to get free text messages of kind words and encouragement at times of the week you can often feel low. There's lots of other support too, including web forums and Caller Care! Check it out!
Sometimes it can be really nerve wracking to call a helpline. All kinds of thoughts run through my head... what if I clam up and can't speak, what will they ask me, what should I say first, is it weak to call for help.... and the onslaught goes on!.....
If these thoughts sound familiar or are coming to mind now just thinking of calling a helpline, then I can tell you - take positive action despite your thoughts.We're all human, humans have emotions. Emotions are awesome things. They make us beautiful, give us the power to connect to others and do amazingly fun and kind things together! But they can also make us feel terrible and they're sometimes pretty hard to understand.... But that's normal!Everybody needs to manage their emotions to lead healthy lives. And I've found these helplines are a great way to do this.
The people on the end of the line are always so kind and understanding, and so proud of you for calling and sharing! Please try to tell yourself you're not weak. How is it weak to take action to help ourselves feel at our best? Surely its responsible and what we all deserve... Easier said then done I know! Particularly with the stigma so many of us face. And I'm not here to tell you how to think, but I do want to encourage others to support their own mental wellbeing and the wellbeing of others. But take it from me, a fellow 'emotionalist' who fights to tell herself she's not weak, far from it, we're brave!
So when are some of the instances helplines have helped me?
1. In the middle of the night when I've felt suicidal.
2. When I feel a panic attack building.
3. When I'm on my own, for whatever reason, and I feel down or demotivated.
4. When I feel a problem is overwhelming me and I need to verbalise things to think more clearly.
5. When I just can't stop crying.
6. When I feel angry (it's a great alternative to just yelling at the nearest poor soul).
And I'm sure there will be more times, and I'm ok with that. I'm so lucky we have volunteers there to listen.
I hope this might help you to think if you might like to try calling one in future. It can be another tool in the coping strategy toolbox that might just work for you.
Thank you so much for reading, Compassionista x
P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.
