I'm writing this after coming back from a two hour hack in the woods on a lovely horse called George (he is a lazy yet determined Irish Cobb with a round middle, whose main passion is eating and who is not my horse but I like to pretend he is). Riding isn't always easy, but it is something I love, and having something I enjoy, I have drive at and pride in has really helped my mental health. Here's why: 1) Something to look forward to I look forward to my rides every week and this gives me a sense of pace to my weeks and something to be ready for. It is the one thing in my diary that is just for me and one of the things I value most. So if I'm feeling worn out, overwhelmed, down or stressed - riding is what I set my mind on and this really helps me make it through. 2) Practising perseverance and compassion There are rides where everything flows, my body is relaxed and my head is more spacious and perhaps I work out something I've been trying to master for a while. There are the hacks in the forest where we canter at speed and I love the sense of movement and freedom and also the sense of security in myself, from being able to relax and enjoy it with my horse (and opportunities to feel sure of yourself when you have mental illness are worth their weight in gold). But there are also the lessons in the school where I'm tight, physically and mentally, the weather may be challenging or I'm trying, but struggling, to work on my position and my horse isn't going forward how I would like. But I'm determined to keep riding every week because I know those brilliant moments will happen - if I stay curious and open-minded my horse will make sure of it. And I have to try to be compassionate to myself on the tough lessons and always compassionate to my horse, so he knows I love him and I'm grateful to him for carrying me. 3) An opportunity to be mindful I find some activities easier than others to practise mindfulness, but there's something about being outside and with animals that really helps. My horse feeds off my mental state and the tension in my body, so I try to meditate before I ride and do some physical relaxation. As I'm riding I need to try to stay in the present moment, to adjust my body in response to cues from the horse and to set out intentions in a positive and compassionate way. 4) Allowing myself to be a beginner When I first got back in the saddle it was like being a complete beginner again as I became re-acquainted with muscles I'd forgotten I had and the challenges and rewards of working with animals. And even as I progress I'm always learning something for the first time and practising putting it all together. Mental-illness can make us our own bullies, constant internal abuse. So to have something you love helps you to fight back that bully, as you know it just gets in the way of the enjoyment. So finding something where you allow yourself to learn and progress with determination and kindness is a real gift. 5) Exercise In my opinion, it's the most fun way to exercise and I know movement is good for my brain. And it helps me be motivated to workout during the week too (in moderation - I try to be mindful and aware of slipping into 'body-buff, this has gone too far, fitness mode') so I can develop strength for riding. 6) Just pure enjoyment It took me years to come back to riding and I had to wait until I was ready. But now I've found I am in a space where I just simply enjoy something. I experience some negatives around it, perhaps wondering if I'm good enough at it or frustrations as I develop my skills. But I've been lucky enough to find something that just really works for me and a place where I feel in touch with who I am and I feel confident and at ease. 7) Identity I love riding horses and it is something that expresses my best-self. Enough said. So if you do have mental health problems I hope this inspires you to see if you can find a hobby that gives you enjoyment, pride and freedom every single week! Compassionista xxx
If a loved one has to have an operation you'd want to know about it right? Then you could support them, visit them, and care for them. You'd want to be told so you could help them recover and be there for them. They will most likely tell you what's going on and if they didn't tell you, for some reason, something would give it away. Perhaps a crutch for a broken leg or diet changes after surgery, so you'd realise they were unwell and that something was going on. When you're diagnosed with a mental illness it is a bit different. There are often no easily distinguishable physical signs. There may be more subtle signs such as weight changes, taking new tablets, or lethargy but these can be hidden and explained away by sufferers. And its so hard for the sufferer to actually tell you they're unwell because of the shame and fear of being judged. This means mental illness can be kept secret by a sufferer. Can you imagine keeping heart disease a secret because you're ashamed? Should it be this way for mental illness? It's not that I'm saying it's in some way better to have a physical illness, god no. What I am saying is that all illness needs compassion and support to heal and the stigma around mental illness is a barrier to those who need that most. It is only in recent years I have told my loved ones the true extent of my mental illness, but the lack of honesty has come at great cost. Being open and honest about suffering from a mental illness means you can reach out to others for help and support. I've been lying for years about why I am tried when I turn up at work, saying I didn't sleep well because the cats woke me up. Really though, I've slept for about 3 hours total because it took me 2 hours to get to sleep because I was having intrusive thoughts I'd harmed someone without realising it, or having traumatic flashbacks and nightmares. Perhaps if I said that to my work colleagues rather than "I don't know I just didn't sleep well, probably my own fault, I just need a better routine," I'd get the cup of tea and hug I actually need, rather than us all making idle chit chat about how no one seems to be able to get a good nights sleep these days. When I had my most serious mental health crisis I lied to my parents who were on holiday saying how well Uni was going, when I'd actually just dropped out and been diagnosed with OCD, for fear of letting them down and spoiling their holiday. However now I realise holidays are important, but the health of your loved ones is more so. I've also realised I'm not a let down, I suffer from a mental illness, they're different things. Talking about mental health is so important because not only does it start to allow us to show the same care and compassion to those with mental ill health that we do with physical ill health, but also because it helps us get better. It is part of the cure. When you're unwell physically you problem solve together - you care for someone by working out how to make them more comfortable, what food to eat and how to get sleep and rest. This is what a mental illness needs. Love, care, support, discussion, and problem solving. How can we access any of that if we can't even tell people we're ill? And need I not remind you that 1 in 4 of us will suffer from a mental illness at some point in our lives, so being able to talk about mental health is important to us all. We've been lead to believe mental illness is shameful and somehow our fault, but that's completely wrong. If I'd brought my OCD, depression, anxiety or trauma on myself then I'd be able to just think my way out of it because I must have thought myself into it... Well that's not right, is it? Mental illnesses ARE illnesses, not a self-induced state of mind. Please let's all get that straight right now. Compassionista xxx
P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.
Hi everyone, Writing isn't for everyone but I know I feel privileged to be able to read and write. Not only can I fire off emails, write post it notes until my hearts content and manically write Christmas cards in the wee hours panicking I've forgotten someone I have spoken to once in my life... I can also write down the inner working of my mind. Often no miracles result from this and I by no means snap out of whatever mental crisis I am in in that moment, but it does act to give me a little space from my thoughts, a sense of control in an out of control state and hopefully a little clarity on my experiences. I used to write diaries - a lot of people do, particularly in our teenage years. But what I do now is quite different, and to be honest, for me, far more helpful. Now I do two things in my notebook, I either draw mind maps or I do some 'Balancing'. (Also sometimes I get totally distracted and just doodle small hearts and spirals... I'm only human!) The first is simply like a spider diagram and I tend to use these when I'm pretty low and often unable to express myself verbally. This can be if my OCD is serving up some nasty visual intrusions, if I'm feeling really socially anxious or if I notice I'm feeling quite angry. These kinds of emotions can be so difficult to handle and I can feel like I can't really do anything. But I find I CAN (somehow) pick up my coloured felt tips and make a mind map. I simply start by trying to track each thought that is flying past my eyes, like trying to focus on the people on a train as it flies through a station. These make the branches of the map. Already I feel a tiny bit less edgy. Then I try to write down some details under each branch, perhaps situations that have triggered feelings, perhaps ideas of what to do to help or perhaps situations in my past that they relate to. Even when I feel at my worst I have moved forward - I have it there in writing. And if I think I need some help with all this - tada! 'Hello partner/friend/therapist/dog, please read or destroy this for me!' Now, if I feel up to it I can try some 'Balancing'. Balancing is an umbrella term I use for when I put CBT techniques into practice and thrash some unhelpful thinking patterns out on paper. I have my own take on how to 'balance' my thinking using a whole range of CBT techniques I've learned. Far too many to describe here, and I'm not a professional so I will only be telling my own version. But I can give you a few basics to investigate! The first is the ABC technique. This is basically where you explore different components of a situation that have caused uncomfortable feelings and you try to see what your mind is really thinking about these (your core beliefs). Then you 'take your thoughts to court' to see how reasonable and true your negative thinking really is. It's best to try some online CBT training, check out a book or see a trained CBT practitioner (if available) to help you get to grips with this - I am after all a sufferer, not a professional. But if you are interested I would recommend this book CBT For Dummies. The other technique that I use, I came across in a workshop I went to a few years ago. It's like taking the part from the ABC where you 'dispute' your beliefs and focussing in on that. Really good to do once you get the hang or the ABC technique and you want to do more CBT 'on the go' and more quickly. You draw a line down the middle of your page and on one side you write 'Critical Thoughts' and on the other you write 'Balanced Thoughts'. Now you write down in the first column all the horrible, horrible, nasty, nasty, debilitating negative thoughts your brain is hurling at you. Then read them and imagine you're best friend is saying them to you. If you don't have a best friend (that is perfectly ok by the way no matter what you're brain is telling you) you can imagine an animal or object you really care about is voicing them to you. What would you say back? Would you agree when they say they are a failure? Would you agree when they say they are worthless? Would you agree when they say they feel hatred for themselves or others? Or could you see their amazing qualities, their potential, their suffering as a human being just like us all? And would you not want to sooth them, comfort them and be honest with them? Telling them the truth... that they are ok, they will be ok and every storm passes? Well that's what you tell them (you),
now, in this second column. The column of hope and the column of truth. Now go write yourselves happy! Or rather go write and see if you can feel like you've moved up a level on the wellbeing scale, go take care of yourself and your mind.
Compassionista xxx
P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.
New Year can be a really strange time for some of us, particularly if we suffer from mental health problems or life has been pretty tough for you of late. Perhaps we feel exhausted after drinking and eating so much over Xmas, perhaps we tried our best to get along with family over Xmas but we struggled or perhaps we're worried about paying off the credit card in January. Perhaps our mental health was so much harder to manage over Xmas when we're all out of routine or perhaps we have recently lost a loved one, are out of work or have struggled with an eating disorder made worse over Christmas. Sorry to sound so depressing but these are challenges we all face and things I feel no one really knows how to talk about at this time of year. The shops start filling with Christmas decorations in November and the gym membership offers or deals on Dulux for January's home makeover are now being readily shoved in our faces.... it can feel like 3 months of endless pressure. Today I'm thinking of making new year's resolutions. Something I always find a trigger to lots of emotions. I think every year living with my mental health problems I'm trying to move forward and learn new ways of coping and living alongside my troubles. So sometimes to look back at the last year and forward to the next is overwhelming and distressing. So how can we reframe this time of year more realistically, more compassionately and less commercially? How can we make new year's resolutions whilst feeling good about ourselves as we are now, right in this moment? 1. Change the way we see new year's resolutions. Here's the way I'm going to try and think of it. I'll give you some ideas and if you find yourself feeling frustrated by everything I'm saying start by grabbing a notebook and a pen and write down all the reasons you can possibly think of that support what I'm saying. To begin with the new year really doesn't need to mean too much. A year is just an orbital period defined by the Earth moving around the Sun. We have no control over it and it just so happens its handy for us to keep track of time of years for a whole heap of reasons. One of those reasons doesn't need to be in order to make ourselves reflect on what we've done and might do in future. This is just human nature as per our minds, our minds are also something we didn't ask for and are entirely ours due to evolution. Is your cat currently stressing that's its 2017 and he's already eaten the treat you just gave him instead of resisting, so that this time next year he can feel good because he's thinner?.... Basically, some time has passed from one day to another, but the only difference is that we 'call' it a new year. You don't need to be any better, any thinner, any anything. We all deserve so much better than feeling we need to evaluate ourselves in this way. If you're thinking, I didn't do that anyway, or I'm really comfortable about how 2016 went and I'm looking forward to 2017 then awesome. Stop reading and mediate on that. Truly feel that feeling in this moment. If what I say sounds like something you wish you could think and are now thinking 'if only it was that easy', then get out your notebook. I'm thinking the same thing, I can write it here but I can't feel it all the time. So that's why I try to do as many things to create a healthy mindset for myself. Bringing me to my first new year's resolution (hope), to build my knowledge of compassion-focussed therapy. This is something that helps so much in reframing new year, compassion. If you're interested try putting 'Paul Gilbert + compassion' into Google or YouTube and take it all in. 2. Change what we call new year's resolutions. I'm choosing new year hopes and preferences instead. Because, despite all the will in the world I cannot actually control 2017, just like I couldn't control 2016, hence my feeling pretty miserable about it. But I can try to foster a mindset that accepts that I'm a human being, on this planet for reasons completely beyond my control and sometimes its bloody difficult to do things I say I'm going to do. I can say how I would prefer things to be in the next year, but if its doesn't work out it's not because I'm not good enough, it's just the human condition. 3. Find a friend - a compassionate one (if you have friends that aren't compassionate to you then see if you can seek out some new people) I will be making my new year hopes and preferences with my best friend - my husband. And I will be making the whole thing as comfortable as possible. We will hug and hold hands. We will smile, but sometimes I might cry because something I really wanted in 2016 didn't work out. But we will support each other and share all the feelings we have. We will try to help each other identify the thoughts that help us at this time of year and challenge those that don't with bravery and compassion. We will have big mugs of tea and food we enjoy eating and we will encourage each other. 4. Finally, if you're feeling really low or are suffering right now, for whatever reason, screw new year! It's ok if new year is rubbish. Because it really is just another moment in time. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself in this moment, forget that time of year it is. And if you don't know what will help try to find ways to connect with others who are experiencing similar challenges. Perhaps you can find a support group, Google a charity that could help or visit your local CAB, Community Centre or Church. Reach out for compassion everyday, and reach in to find it too. Compassionista xxx
P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.
If you suffer from harm OCD or think you might, this post may be triggering for you - perhaps ask someone who understands your situation to read it first and recommend if its suitable for you or seek professional advice before you read.
What is harm OCD? I'm going to quote things here that say it far better than I could. The OCD Centre of Los Angeles put it like this: 'Harm OCD is a manifestation of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in which an individual experiences intrusive, unwanted, distressing thoughts of causing harm. These harming thoughts are perceived as being ego-dystonic, which simply means that the thoughts are inconsistent with the individual’s values, beliefs and sense of self. Harming obsessions typically center around the belief that one must be absolutely certain that they are in control at all times in order to ensure that they are not responsible for a violent or otherwise fatal act.' How do I experience this day to day? I'll use the example of a walking group I used to lead. All we had to do was meet at our office and go on a half hour walk. What could possibly go wrong? And what could that possibly have to do with people drowning or dying? I hope you've lost me now and think.... huh? What have those horrible things got to do with anything? If I haven't lost you then you're one of my people!... We're the ones with overactive 'harm-alarms'.... we suffer from Harm OCD. I'll try to explain. When my husband or therapist, and I suppose people who don't have Harm OCD, think of taking out a group on a walk they think... 'I hope its a nice day' or 'I'm looking forward to being out by the river'. There may be some anxieties but these would hopefully not interfere with their normal life in the lead up to the day. Unfortunately my brain, along with other sufferers, doesn't process things like that. I become aware of my own voice telling me, 'I'm responsible for their safety, if anything happens to them it will be my fault, you don't want to be locked up do you? Better make sure you keep everyone safe then! You can't miss any risks, someone will die and you'll know it was because of you.' It's is like there's another me and it keeps tapping me on my shoulder and it's obsessed with preventing others from being hurt. It likes to show it to me on a big screen too, showing the imagined harm happening. This is really upsetting. The thoughts and images are accompanied by safety behaviours or compulsions. In this case I had to count people almost constantly during the walk making it really difficult to have conversations and I had to ask people to stay away from the water every five minutes, much to their annoyance. I also thought of avoiding it all together, as I became so convinced someone was only moments away from harm. The week afterwards I had to find discrete ways to check if everyone was still alive, in case I'd accidentally allowed them to get lost on the walk and they hadn't returned home. That was really embarrassing. I had to also ask for constant reassurance from my husband that the walk would be ok, and living with my daily fear and distress in the days before was debilitating to us both. The OCD Centre of Los Angeles also say this: 'It is not fair to say that one form of OCD causes more pain than another. In our experience of treating individuals with OCD, those with compulsive hand washing appear to be in no less pain than those who live in fear of being sexual deviants or psychopaths. What sets Harm OCD apart is the way in which it attacks the things we love the most, and does so with such brutality and lack of mercy as to astound even the most creative minds. The moments that we most want to be highlighted by memories of peace and contentment suddenly become contaminated by mental imagery of horrific violence and feelings of relentless guilt.'
This is exactly it. I hope one day to become a mum, but I worry my baby will hurt itself and it will be my fault. This sort of worry is normal but in OCD its obsessive and relentless - its intrusive images and obsessive fear and its disordered because it prevents you from living a normal life. Instead of day dreaming about cuddles or baby's first steps, for Harm OCD sufferers its more likely to be baby's first trip, fall or choke. It's constantly obsessing over safety to make sure you don't inadvertently harm someone, and it attacks the things most important to you. If you'd like to know more about the kinds of thoughts and obsessions that characterise Harm OCD then there's a really good questionnaire from the OCD Centre of Los Angeles to help you identify the extent of the illness and understand more about its nature http://ocdla.com/harm-ocd-test.
So how can we deal with this illness?
I don't know yet...sorry!.... well I don't have all the answers. I'm still in treatment, but, here's a few things that have helped me so far:
1. I identified the problem and told someone
Part of the problem with Harm OCD is that its hard to tell anyone. You're so ill that you are sure you must be reckless or dangerous and you feel incredibly ashamed. The first step on a long recovery was telling my husband and my GP. I now go to an expert therapist, I've got a support group and I've found some people I can talk to about it (and I have my blog!).
2. I temporarily stopped being in situations my anxiety was too high for
When I hit breaking point it had become so bad that I simply couldn't function on my University course anymore. It was tough to step back, I had no job or course and I started medication and therapy. But it was what I needed. You can get back to these things, but sometimes you have to stop life for a bit and get help. Just like any physical illness we go into hospital for, we need treatment for mental illness too. I'm now back at work and I lead a pretty normal life.... I just spend a lot of time in therapy, I run a support group for anxiety and OCD and I spend a lot of time learning self-help techniques, but I am getting better... slowly.
3. I went back to face triggering situations in a graded way with professional help and I volunteer a lot
When I was out of work I used voluntary work as a way of building up my confidence again and I still use it now. When I'm volunteering I'm helping others and myself, and that gives me a great self-esteem boost. There is also less pressure. I can face a triggering situation and its much less daunting to ask for help or step back than it is in the workplace.
4. Do more of the things your OCD doesn't attack
Running my support group isn't something that everyone would feel confident to do. When I've told people about it they've asked whether I worry about various things? And the truth is I don't. It's something I just don't have obsessional problems with. So I focus on this, on my skills and the confidence I have. I try to use CBT and Mindfulness to look at how I can challenge my OCD using this confidence.
5. Finding a support group, a therapist and self-help
I've been lucky enough to have had excellent treatment using Exposure Response Prevention (ERP), Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Mindfulness-based CBT and psychodynamic techniques, and in the last 4 years I have had quite a lot of success in doing the things that trigger my OCD. I had to find private treatment because the NHS doesn't offer the kind of help I needed to get better. Therapy isn't for everyone, but I couldn't have recovered without it. So I would encourage you to explore whats out there, even if the NHS coverage is patchy, there are often private options at a range of prices. Support groups can be a really great place to share your experiences and can help you feel less isolated and alone. Again, not for everyone, but worth seeing whats around. With my group I totally respect if its not right for people and I'm more than comfortable for people to come along for just one session, and if its not for them, then no problem. I'm trying this self-help book at the moment for my OCD The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD and I'm finding it really make sense to me. There are lots of online resources, books and audiobooks now that address OCD with a variety of physiological approaches. Again, its worth trying to see if any of them might appeal to you. Do a Google search now or pop along to your local Library... there might just be some answers there. That's all for now!
Compassionista xxx
P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.
Depression is a unique, horrible and well hidden illness. But it is affecting more and more people, so I wanted to share some ideas on the things that have helped me get through it, past and present, that might help others.
Depression can affect people in different ways, so I will try to explain how I experience it. This video puts it perfectly for me. If this sounds familiar, give these ideas a try if you can, they might help.... even a bit.
1. Find a charity that offer peer support
This is similar to my advice on the 'Find Your People post on anxiety.' Peer support, for me, is amazing. It can help so much to find a supportive environment and share experiences with others. It's not a quick fix, because there really isn't one. But when you are having a day when the depression is really bad and getting out of bed seems daunting and seemingly impossible, it can help to know that there are people out there who feel the same and who are rooting for you.
Charities have a lot on offer now, from support groups and social groups,to advice and coaching services. To know that your support group members care for you and would really miss you if you weren't around or to know that there is a cup of tea with your name on it waiting for you can be enough to help you find the will to fight. I always think having depression makes you physically feel like you're walking through treacle and just having a shower can take me hours. But knowing I have people who care waiting for me helps so much. Or perhaps you're feeling anxious about filling out a form, there might well be a local advocate who can help you do that.
Where do I find a charity?Google is a great place to start but there are also a lot of information lines that might be able to help provide the contacts of local charities e.g. Mind and Rethink but also your GP will hopefully have links with support that's local to you.
2. Seek professional treatment
Depression is a mental illness, and mental illness is a serious and real as physical illness.You deserve support to get through this and going to see your GP is really critical to getting well. You're GP will be able to refer you for psychological therapies, prescribe medication if you would like, signpost you to support groups and charities, assess your safety and monitor your illness.
It can be very daunting to make that first visit, but it is very important. If you don't find one GP is very helpful, then you can always try visiting another one in your practice. More and more GP's are making connections with local support services and the profile of mental health is being raised, so it is well worth having a chat to them. See if you can ask a friend or relative to go with you if you think that would help.
I have found talking therapy and mindfulness training has helped me so much and my GP was able to recommend an excellent hospital for me to go to. If you have private medical cover its worth seeing if it covers talking therapies. Sometimes there can be long waiting lists on the NHS, much like many things, and private treatment can be expensive. Personally I've found the money myself and my family have spent on treatment for my mental illnesses is the best investment we've ever made. I recently came across this excellent article on ways to find affordable therapy and sometimes charities provide scalable therapy services, so tip #1 is a good one to follow.
You can access therapy in so many ways too now. Talk to your GP about online CBT, for example from IESO or see if your workplace has an Employee Assistance Program, you can often access free phone or email counselling this way.
If you do decide to undertake talking therapy you need to set aside time outside of sessions to work with your thoughts and feelings. It is hard work. My house is full of CBT worksheets and I have so many notebooks I'm single-handedly keeping Paperchase going! I practice my mindfulness exercises everyday and I write in my journal to help recognise any unhelpful thinking patterns as soon as possible. So I guess I'm trying to say, it really is worth doing your homework.
3. Self-care
When you have the flu its best to rest up and get well. Sometimes we're tempted to carry on with a load of cough and cold remedies, but actually rest and care is the most effective way to get well. It's no different with depression. You're body and mind are under attack from an illness. Care is what you need.
Self-care is different for everyone but here are some ideas to start you off with.
See if a friend or loved one can help out with the chores or looking after the kids until you're well.
See if you can take some time off work or talk to you manager about making adjustments whilst you're not well e.g. regular rest breaks or working a more flexible pattern (you're GP can help recommend this to your work place if you request an Occupational Health assessment).
Allow enough time for rest and sleep. If sleep is difficult see if you can create a helpful routine (I will make sure I post about mine in future).
Set out daily time to do activities that comfort you. Perhaps watching you're favourite TV program, eating your favourite food or doing something you enjoy like going to the cinema. Pick things that are low anxiety and as enjoyable as anything can be right now, given how you're feeling.
Curl up a lot - get a blanket, a cup of tea, put the TV on and tuck yourself up on the sofa as often as possible. This is what you do for a physical illness, mental illness needs the same care. Whenever you're feeling anxious or low, consider whether you need self-care.
When I've been really depressed in the past and I felt suicidal, my husband would book cinema tickets regularly. I loved the cinema, we would pick quiet showings where no one was around. I would dress in my tracksuit, buy pick-a-mix and hot chocolate and literally curl up in the dark cinema and get lost in the film. It was about the only thing I enjoyed at that time. I would call my husband to explain I was feeling suicidal and he would help me to promise I'd wait to see the film before I did anything. And week by week I kept making it to the cinema.... I'm still here 4 years later and I still love movies!
4. Self-help
Self-help books aren't for everyone. But, if you do like reading or you're willing to give it a try, there really is an amazing wealth of therapeutic material out there. When I was really unwell the first time, I was too ill to work. So I needed to create a structure for myself and I wanted to find out what I could do to help me recover. I find when I'm suffering a really bad bout of depression I cannot concentrate on reading a book, I often don't have the energy to even sit up! So I decided to try audiobooks.I would listen, sometimes fall asleep, sometimes cry too much to hear what was being said, but I'd try again the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I'd follow along with a copy of the book from the library. Until eventually I found the ideas were sinking in and I was ready to try some of the self-help techniques recommended. Now, I have incorporated so many of the techniques I've learned into my life to improve my wellbeing and I use them in conjunction with my therapy.
Here are just a few of my favourites!
CBT for Dummies by Rob Wilson and Rhena Branch (this helped me overcome my depression)
Overcoming Perfectionism by Roz Shafran, Sarah Egan and Tracey Wade (this helped me reduce the risk of relapse)
Sane New World: Taming the Mind also by Ruby Wax(this helped me realise I wasn't alone and begun to teach me mindfulness to manage my illness)
I thank all you lovely authors for changing my life! I'm serious, these books have!
If all that isn't for you.... how about trying a wellbeing app or an online self-help course. I've never used it myself but the NHS recommend FearFighter, an online CBT based program for fear, panic and anxiety and I've had MoodGYM recommended to me in the past. I haven't tried these yet, so if anyone has, please share your experiences in the comments! Thank you!
And here is a link to some apps from the Mind website Apps for Wellbeing and Mental Health. As I've mentioned before, I use the Headspace app to learn mindfulness meditation. I'm currently working on the depression pack and for me its proving really helpful. It helps me to relate to my thoughts and feelings in a different way, and its comforting to know there are techniques out there to help me recover.
5. One post-it at a time
This was something my counsellor helped me to do. When I was completely broken down and struggling to function at all, she gave me post-its to help change my life. At the time I was living in pyjamas and making whale noises!
(My husband would come home at 5.30pm and run me a bath. I would manage to peel myself off the sofa, take my pyjamas off and get in the bath. Then I would soak until I was all shrivelled up like a pea.... he would try and talk to me, I would just moan. I call this pyjamas and whale noises. If I ever write a book.... that's the title!)
I was tasked with writing out 3 post-its at a time. They were simple things to begin to get me moving. I would stick them up on the wall and just work on one post it at a time. I remember one was to wash up a knife and fork, and that was it (you cannot wash up when you're really depressed, it is physically impossible, unless you're suffering obsession at the same time - then I scream if someone tries to peel me away from it...). That was a tough time. But I've realised now I have an illness. And that's just one thing that helped me to cope.
If you're currently functioning a little more than I was back then, try using post-its to manage your time, celebrate your achievements and pace yourself. Don't forget to include lots of self-care on there!
That's all from me now. I hope this is helpful to someone, its been helpful for me to share.
Take care everyone and take 'self-care',
Compassionista xxx
P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.
With thanks to Compassionista, I present my first guest blog entry! I go by the name RR, and I wanted to share with you some personal experiences of being a carer. I hope that perhaps they help you feel less alone as a carer/family member/friend, and perhaps give you an insight into a world you may be involved in without even realising it. 1. It's OK to be a carer There's something quite disconcerting about the first time you are referred to as a "carer". You've been with your partner for however long and feel like you know them inside out. You know their brilliance, their flaws, their likes/dislikes, and their passions. In fact you don't just feel you know, you know you know. So when someone refers to you as their carer, you think to yourself, "Eh? I'm not a carer - I'm their partner! What are you talking about - they're not in need of a carer!" Then you take a step back and realise that all this time, it's not them that you've not known about or been aware of - it's you. You've perhaps always spent time helping your partner through difficult times, or supporting them through anxiety/panic attacks, or helping them through depression, but you may never have considered yourself as a carer. It may feel quite uncomfortable to class yourself as a carer, but believe me that part of our journey has been critical to us. As soon as I was able to step back and see what I was doing, I was able to start supporting myself too. Anxiety/depression/any kind of mental ill health is like a virus - it starts in one, then spreads to others. It's very difficult to stay afloat sometimes but this is exactly why it's so important to recognise that if it is in your family, you all need help and support. 2. No-one teaches you how to handle this It seems obvious, but there genuinely is no manual for how to approach life when there's mental health difficulties involved. I spend so much of my time wondering if I am doing the best thing for my partner and whether other people would be more able/if I'm the right person for them. I promise though - if you're with your partner, you listen, hug, and support them - you're doing a great job. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can, there's no "correct" way. 3. You'll feel very conflicted about lots of things I've been with my partner for 10 years now (for my sins) and time seems to have genuinely flown by. I thought I'd never get to the age where I understood and appreciated cliches but sadly I think I have succumbed to the Hollywood notion of time flying. It has been 10 wonderful years, but 10 years full of challenges, heartache, and fear with lives surrounded by mental illness. I've always wondered to myself if I would have changed any of it and in truth, it's a difficult question. I would give literally anything I have ever experienced/owned for my partner to not have to go through what she does, without even thinking about it (in fact if anyone can offer this service, I do have quite a nice car you might like). On the other hand, all of the experiences we have been through has made us who we both are. I love my partner and I wouldn't have her any other way. Quite a dichotomy! How the hell am I meant to reconcile that?! Answer is - I don't think I can! 4. It might be quite difficult to keep track of your own wellbeing This really is a bugger. Remember what I said about mental illness being a virus? Yeah it really does get places. It's very hard to balance a life with someone when there's mental ill health in the middle of it, and I've often found times where I am so focused on my partner that the next day I'm feeling like utter rubbish. I've had quite a few tests for some physical illnesses that have shown nothing. Why I wonder? Because they were much more likely to be affected by stress. The clincher? You might feel guilty if you prioritise yourself. Oh yes - your brain is good at playing the guilt card! I've had to learn though that I'm of no use to anyone if I'm burned out, frazzled, and stressed - I have to make sure I look after myself just as much as I do anyone else around me. 5. Get ready to be angry Yes, it is unfair. Yes, the NHS struggles with mental health. Yes, this is happening. Yes, you may be in it for the long haul. Yes, some people may not understand. Yes, I promise you, there are people out there that can help. Anger is common. It's a massive deal all of this, and your emotion needs to express it somehow. I know I need to both let my anger be, but to also challenge it where possible. 6. You'll want more than anything to be their Superman/Superwoman This is possibly the hardest and most heart-breaking part of being a carer. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help my partner through a difficult period, but sometimes all you can do is to be there. Not to give advice, help, or anything. Actually just to physically be there. If you're wondering what to do and how to help, and that nothing seems to be helping - just try being there. There's nothing more important than just being there selflessly and non-judgementally for someone. Trust me, they'll thank you for it so much more than anything else. Nothing has ever put across the difficulty of being a carer better than this picture (it's from a wonderful book you can get here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431)
These points are just the tip of the iceberg, and I could go into more. I hope though that if, like me, you are caring for someone (or even if you know a carer) you can start to feel less isolated, less alone. It's going to be scary sometimes, but you'll get through. You're doing a wonderful job. Next time I'll post about some of things I try to do to keep myself afloat, and also some of the things I have been able to help my partner with over the years. In time, I'll also share some of my experiences around therapeutic services, talking therapies, carer support, mental health charities, and others, and I hope that they will be of some support. Until next time! RR ~
