I have recently suffered a knee injury. It has come about after going jogging. I have been wishing to find more holistic exercise ideas and leave the repetitive and frankly boring (to me) gym routine behind. So, I'd been doing some running. I really connected with the joy and freedom I could experience by grabbing my trainers and running all round my neighbourhood. When I discovered the Headspace session on Mindful running (thank you Andy Puddicombe for bringing such presence to us all!) the deal was sealed! But then, a few sessions in my knee gives way......
Was running the cause? Was the freedom and mindful experience to be something I could not enjoy? Well perhaps not for now, but I really believe running was the straw that broke my knee, it was not the cause. The cause was the hours I've spent in front of my TV, alone, doing probably a million squats (by now) with the latest workout DVD that promises a lean body in minimal time. A DVD that seems to take over my mind and body (as if possessed) promising near perfect (or perfect!) results if I just dig deep and work hard..... A video that knows I'm lost down a rabbit hole of wanting and I'll grab onto anything to 'feel' happier.... if I just get fitter.... get better legs.... banish the bingo wings (if anyone knows, please tell me where I can banish them to, then I'll seal them in an envelope right now, never to be seen again) and be more perfect, then I'll be happy.......?
So my knees have decided to give me some guidance.... 'STEP AWAY FROM THE TV AND FOR F***'S SAKE STOP SQUATTING!' Now... lets just pause and rephrase that sentence. Lets be a bit more compassionate (hehe). What I'm trying to say to myself instead, is, STOP, BREATH and move to a mindful place. It's ok to exercise however you exercise from one moment to the next, because you're human and navigating a complex world of influences. But by bringing mindful attention to the current moment, notice that you're knee is hurt. It needs time to heal, it needs to be listened to. Perhaps you can bring this pain into your awareness to inform you?
So, all strenuous exercise has stopped for three weeks, the microwavable wheat bag has moved in and I've been contemplating. Here is the result;
I've been doing damage to my mind and my body trying to create a physique that can only be found in Photoshop. And mindfulness has helped me tune into this pain. I am a human being - human beings need love to grow. Its time to love myself and exercise can be a great form of self care. I read a fabulous paragraph in the Mindful Diet by Ruth Wolever and Beth Reardon at the weekend and I'm going to share some of it here with you.
'Not perfect, but Present.... Not only is perfection a myth that's unattainable in real life; perfectionism is counter productive to change. When your goal is perfection, anything less is a failure. So let's trade in all our ideas about perfection - a perfect diet, a perfect bod, a perfect life - for something attainable, real, and useful.'
So I'm starting to make some changes. I'm smiling at my pale, milky skin in the mirror and bring mindful attention to my thoughts and feelings when I reach for the self-tan bottle. I'm hoping to use my exercise DVD in moderation, choosing titles that focus on the health benefits of improved strength and a healthy heart, rather than the main focus being what we look like. Perhaps I can go to an aerobics class instead, where I can be with others and enjoy moderate exercise in good company. I'm walking with friends and I hope to take up dancing again! I'm looking forward to running once I'm well enough taking care of my body by listening to it and enjoying developing deep familiarity with my neighbourhood and nature.
Paul Gilbert wrote in his book, The Compassionate Mind, that 'compassion can be defined in many ways, but its essence is a basic kindness, with a deep awareness of the suffering of oneself and of other living things, coupled with the wish and effort to relieve it.... compassion has also been seen as a major healing process for our turbulent minds and relationships.' (Thank you Paul, for all your book has done for me)! To give myself the gift of time with nature on a run, to give myself the gift of spending time with friends on a walk and give something back to them, to give myself the gift of a healthy heart and lungs, to listen to my muscles; rest them when they're tired and to love them instead of hurting them. To get my heart rate up so I can have a healthy cardiovascular system, so my cells can thrive! To give my soul the gift of laughing with friends when I get the dance steps wrong, and to enjoy the moment when I get it right with more wholehearted awareness..... THAT MIGHT JUST BE EXERCISING COMPASSIONATELY!
Compassionista x
P.S. I must have been blessed with an amazingly supportive environment to make this shift and I have been trying to take steps towards it over a long period of time, life is a journey... take time to enjoy it.
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