You can't see a mental illness, but you need to hear about it. #mhaw2017

If a loved one has to have an operation you'd want to know about it right? Then you could support them, visit them, and care for them. You'd want to be told so you could help them recover and be there for them. They will most likely tell you what's going on and if they didn't tell you, for some reason, something would give it away. Perhaps a crutch for a broken leg or diet changes after surgery, so you'd realise they were unwell and that something was going on.

When you're diagnosed with a mental illness it is a bit different. There are often no easily distinguishable physical signs. There may be more subtle signs such as weight changes, taking new tablets, or lethargy but these can be hidden and explained away by sufferers. And its so hard for the sufferer to actually tell you they're unwell because of the shame and fear of being judged. This means mental illness can be kept secret by a sufferer. Can you imagine keeping heart disease a secret because you're ashamed? Should it be this way for mental illness? It's not that I'm saying it's in some way better to have a physical illness, god no. What I am saying is that all illness needs compassion and support to heal and the stigma around mental illness is a barrier to those who need that most.

It is only in recent years I have told my loved ones the true extent of my mental illness, but the lack of honesty has come at great cost. Being open and honest about suffering from a mental illness means you can reach out to others for help and support. I've been lying for years about why I am tried when I turn up at work, saying I didn't sleep well because the cats woke me up. Really though, I've slept for about 3 hours total because it took me 2 hours to get to sleep because I was having intrusive thoughts I'd harmed someone without realising it, or having traumatic flashbacks and nightmares. Perhaps if I said that to my work colleagues rather than "I don't know I just didn't sleep well, probably my own fault, I just need a better routine," I'd get the cup of tea and hug I actually need, rather than us all making idle chit chat about how no one seems to be able to get a good nights sleep these days. When I had my most serious mental health crisis I lied to my parents who were on holiday saying how well Uni was going, when I'd actually just dropped out and been diagnosed with OCD, for fear of letting them down and spoiling their holiday. However now I realise holidays are important, but the health of your loved ones is more so. I've also realised I'm not a let down, I suffer from a mental illness, they're different things.

Talking about mental health is so important because not only does it start to allow us to show the same care and compassion to those with mental ill health that we do with physical ill health, but also because it helps us get better. It is part of the cure. When you're unwell physically you problem solve together - you care for someone by working out how to make them more comfortable, what food to eat and how to get sleep and rest. This is what a mental illness needs. Love, care, support, discussion, and problem solving. How can we access any of that if we can't even tell people we're ill? And need I not remind you that 1 in 4 of us will suffer from a mental illness at some point in our lives, so being able to talk about mental health is important to us all.

We've been lead to believe mental illness is shameful and somehow our fault, but that's completely wrong. If I'd brought my OCD, depression, anxiety or trauma on myself then I'd be able to just think my way out of it because I must have thought myself into it... Well that's not right, is it? Mental illnesses ARE illnesses, not a self-induced state of mind. Please let's all get that straight right now.

Compassionista xxx


P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.

Top Tips for Managing Anxiety - my best friend is my notebook

Hi everyone,

Writing isn't for everyone but I know I feel privileged to be able to read and write. Not only can I fire off emails, write post it notes until my hearts content and manically write Christmas cards in the wee hours panicking I've forgotten someone I have spoken to once in my life... I can also write down the inner working of my mind. Often no miracles result from this and I by no means snap out of whatever mental crisis I am in in that moment, but it does act to give me a little space from my thoughts, a sense of control in an out of control state and hopefully a little clarity on my experiences.

I used to write diaries - a lot of people do, particularly in our teenage years. But what I do now is quite different, and to be honest, for me, far more helpful. Now I do two things in my notebook, I either draw mind maps or I do some 'Balancing'. (Also sometimes I get totally distracted and just doodle small hearts and spirals... I'm only human!)

The first is simply like a spider diagram and I tend to use these when I'm pretty low and often unable to express myself verbally. This can be if my OCD is serving up some nasty visual intrusions, if I'm feeling really socially anxious or if I notice I'm feeling quite angry. These kinds of emotions can be so difficult to handle and I can feel like I can't really do anything. But I find I CAN (somehow) pick up my coloured felt tips and make a mind map. I simply start by trying to track each thought that is flying past my eyes, like trying to focus on the people on a train as it flies through a station. These make the branches of the map. Already I feel a tiny bit less edgy. Then I try to write down some details under each branch, perhaps situations that have triggered feelings, perhaps ideas of what to do to help or perhaps situations in my past that they relate to. Even when I feel at my worst I have moved forward - I have it there in writing. And if I think I need some help with all this - tada! 'Hello partner/friend/therapist/dog, please read or destroy this for me!'

Now, if I feel up to it I can try some 'Balancing'. Balancing is an umbrella term I use for when I put CBT techniques into practice and thrash some unhelpful thinking patterns out on paper. I have my own take on how to 'balance' my thinking using a whole range of CBT techniques I've learned. Far too many to describe here, and I'm not a professional so I will only be telling my own version. But I can give you a few basics to investigate! The first is the ABC technique. This is basically where you explore different components of a situation that have caused uncomfortable feelings and you try to see what your mind is really thinking about these (your core beliefs). Then you 'take your thoughts to court' to see how reasonable and true your negative thinking really is. It's best to try some online CBT training, check out a book or see a trained CBT practitioner (if available) to help you get to grips with this - I am after all a sufferer, not a professional. But if you are interested I would recommend this book CBT For Dummies.

The other technique that I use, I came across in a workshop I went to a few years ago. It's like taking the part from the ABC where you 'dispute' your beliefs and focussing in on that. Really good to do once you get the hang or the ABC technique and you want to do more CBT 'on the go' and more quickly.  You draw a line down the middle of your page and on one side you write 'Critical Thoughts' and on the other you write 'Balanced Thoughts'. Now you write down in the first column all the horrible, horrible, nasty, nasty, debilitating negative thoughts your brain is hurling at you. Then read them and imagine you're best friend is saying them to you. If you don't have a best friend (that is perfectly ok by the way no matter what you're brain is telling you) you can imagine an animal or object you really care about is voicing them to you. What would you say back? Would you agree when they say they are a failure? Would you agree when they say they are worthless? Would you agree when they say they feel hatred for themselves or others? Or could you see their amazing qualities, their potential, their suffering as a human being just like us all? And would you not want to sooth them, comfort them and be honest with them? Telling them the truth... that they are ok, they will be ok and every storm passes? Well that's what you tell them (you),

now, in this second column. The column of hope and the column of truth.

Now go write yourselves happy! Or rather go write and see if you can feel like you've moved up a level on the wellbeing scale, go take care of yourself and your mind.

Compassionista xxx

P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.

Surviving that 'New Year' feeling

New Year can be a really strange time for some of us, particularly if we suffer from mental health problems or life has been pretty tough for you of late. Perhaps we feel exhausted after drinking and eating so much over Xmas, perhaps we tried our best to get along with family over Xmas but we struggled or perhaps we're worried about paying off the credit card in January. Perhaps our mental health was so much harder to manage over Xmas when we're all out of routine or perhaps we have recently lost a loved one, are out of work or have struggled with an eating disorder made worse over Christmas. Sorry to sound so depressing but these are challenges we all face and things I feel no one really knows how to talk about at this time of year. The shops start filling with Christmas decorations in November and the gym membership offers or deals on Dulux for January's home makeover are now being readily shoved in our faces.... it can feel like 3 months of endless pressure. 

Today I'm thinking of making new year's resolutions. Something I always find a trigger to lots of emotions. I think every year living with my mental health problems I'm trying to move forward and learn new ways of coping and living alongside my troubles. So sometimes to look back at the last year and forward to the next is overwhelming and distressing. So how can we reframe this time of year more realistically, more compassionately and less commercially? How can we make new year's resolutions whilst feeling good about ourselves as we are now, right in this moment?

1. Change the way we see new year's resolutions. 

Here's the way I'm going to try and think of it. I'll give you some ideas and if you find yourself feeling frustrated by everything I'm saying start by grabbing a notebook and a pen and write down all the reasons you can possibly think of that support what I'm saying.

To begin with the new year really doesn't need to mean too much. A year is just an orbital period defined by the Earth moving around the Sun. We have no control over it and it just so happens its handy for us to keep track of time of years for a whole heap of reasons. One of those reasons doesn't need to be in order to make ourselves reflect on what we've done and might do in future. This is just human nature as per our minds, our minds are also something we didn't ask for and are entirely ours due to evolution. Is your cat currently stressing that's its 2017 and he's already eaten the treat you just gave him instead of resisting, so that this time next year he can feel good because he's thinner?.... Basically, some time has passed from one day to another, but the only difference is that we 'call' it a new year. You don't need to be any better, any thinner, any anything. We all deserve so much better than feeling we need to evaluate ourselves in this way. 

If you're thinking, I didn't do that anyway, or I'm really comfortable about how 2016 went and I'm looking forward to 2017 then awesome. Stop reading and mediate on that. Truly feel that feeling in this moment. 

If what I say sounds like something you wish you could think and are now thinking 'if only it was that easy', then get out your notebook. I'm thinking the same thing, I can write it here but I can't feel it all the time. So that's why I try to do as many things to create a healthy mindset for myself. Bringing me to my first new year's resolution (hope), to build my knowledge of compassion-focussed therapy. This is something that helps so much in reframing new year, compassion. If you're interested try putting 'Paul Gilbert + compassion' into Google or YouTube and take it all in.

2. Change what we call new year's resolutions.

I'm choosing new year hopes and preferences instead. Because, despite all the will in the world I cannot actually control 2017, just like I couldn't control 2016, hence my feeling pretty miserable about it. But I can try to foster a mindset that accepts that I'm a human being, on this planet for reasons completely beyond my control and sometimes its bloody difficult to do things I say I'm going to do. I can say how I would prefer things to be in the next year, but if its doesn't work out it's not because I'm not good enough, it's just the human condition. 

3. Find a friend - a compassionate one (if you have friends that aren't compassionate to you then see if you can seek out some new people)

I will be making my new year hopes and preferences with my best friend - my husband. And I will be making the whole thing as comfortable as possible. We will hug and hold hands. We will smile, but sometimes I might cry because something I really wanted in 2016 didn't work out. But we will support each other and share all the feelings we have. We will try to help each other identify the thoughts that help us at this time of year and challenge those that don't with bravery and compassion. We will have big mugs of tea and food we enjoy eating and we will encourage each other.

4. Finally, if you're feeling really low or are suffering right now, for whatever reason, screw new year!

It's ok if new year is rubbish. Because it really is just another moment in time. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself in this moment, forget that time of year it is. And if you don't know what will help try to find ways to connect with others who are experiencing similar challenges. Perhaps you can find a support group, Google a charity that could help or visit your local CAB, Community Centre or Church. 

Reach out for compassion everyday, and reach in to find it too.

Compassionista xxx

P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.