Guest blog: What do you mean I'm a carer?

With thanks to Compassionista, I present my first guest blog entry! I go by the name RR, and I wanted to share with you some personal experiences of being a carer. I hope that perhaps they help you feel less alone as a carer/family member/friend, and perhaps give you an insight into a world you may be involved in without even realising it.

1. It's OK to be a carer

There's something quite disconcerting about the first time you are referred to as a "carer". You've been with your partner for however long and feel like you know them inside out. You know their brilliance, their flaws, their likes/dislikes, and their passions. In fact you don't just feel you know, you know you know. So when someone refers to you as their carer, you think to yourself, "Eh? I'm not a carer - I'm their partner! What are you talking about - they're not in need of a carer!" Then you take a step back and realise that all this time, it's not them that you've not known about or been aware of - it's you. You've perhaps always spent time helping your partner through difficult times, or supporting them through anxiety/panic attacks, or helping them through depression, but you may never have considered yourself as a carer. It may feel quite uncomfortable to class yourself as a carer, but believe me that part of our journey has been critical to us. As soon as I was able to step back and see what I was doing, I was able to start supporting myself too. Anxiety/depression/any kind of mental ill health is like a virus - it starts in one, then spreads to others. It's very difficult to stay afloat sometimes but this is exactly why it's so important to recognise that if it is in your family, you all need help and support.

2. No-one teaches you how to handle this

It seems obvious, but there genuinely is no manual for how to approach life when there's mental health difficulties involved. I spend so much of my time wondering if I am doing the best thing for my partner and whether other people would be more able/if I'm the right person for them.

I promise though - if you're with your partner, you listen, hug, and support them - you're doing a great job. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can, there's no "correct" way.

3. You'll feel very conflicted about lots of things

I've been with my partner for 10 years now (for my sins) and time seems to have genuinely flown by. I thought I'd never get to the age where I understood and appreciated cliches but sadly I think I have succumbed to the Hollywood notion of time flying. It has been 10 wonderful years, but 10 years full of challenges, heartache, and fear with lives surrounded by mental illness. I've always wondered to myself if I would have changed any of it and in truth, it's a difficult question. I would give literally anything I have ever experienced/owned for my partner to not have to go through what she does, without even thinking about it (in fact if anyone can offer this service, I do have quite a nice car you might like). On the other hand, all of the experiences we have been through has made us who we both are. I love my partner and I wouldn't have her any other way. Quite a dichotomy! How the hell am I meant to reconcile that?! Answer is - I don't think I can!

4. It might be quite difficult to keep track of your own wellbeing

This really is a bugger. Remember what I said about mental illness being a virus? Yeah it really does get places. It's very hard to balance a life with someone when there's mental ill health in the middle of it, and I've often found times where I am so focused on my partner that the next day I'm feeling like utter rubbish. I've had quite a few tests for some physical illnesses that have shown nothing. Why I wonder? Because they were much more likely to be affected by stress.

The clincher? You might feel guilty if you prioritise yourself. Oh yes - your brain is good at playing the guilt card! I've had to learn though that I'm of no use to anyone if I'm burned out, frazzled, and stressed - I have to make sure I look after myself just as much as I do anyone else around me.

5. Get ready to be angry

Yes, it is unfair.
Yes, the NHS struggles with mental health.
Yes, this is happening.
Yes, you may be in it for the long haul.
Yes, some people may not understand.
Yes, I promise you, there are people out there that can help.

Anger is common. It's a massive deal all of this, and your emotion needs to express it somehow. I know I need to both let my anger be, but to also challenge it where possible.

6. You'll want more than anything to be their Superman/Superwoman

This is possibly the hardest and most heart-breaking part of being a carer. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help my partner through a difficult period, but sometimes all you can do is to be there. Not to give advice, help, or anything. Actually just to physically be there. If you're wondering what to do and how to help, and that nothing seems to be helping - just try being there. There's nothing more important than just being there selflessly and non-judgementally for someone. Trust me, they'll thank you for it so much more than anything else. Nothing has ever put across the difficulty of being a carer better than this picture (it's from a wonderful book you can get here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431)

These points are just the tip of the iceberg, and I could go into more. I hope though that if, like me, you are caring for someone (or even if you know a carer) you can start to feel less isolated, less alone. It's going to be scary sometimes, but you'll get through. You're doing a wonderful job.

Next time I'll post about some of things I try to do to keep myself afloat, and also some of the things I have been able to help my partner with over the years. In time, I'll also share some of my experiences around therapeutic services, talking therapies, carer support, mental health charities, and others, and I hope that they will be of some support.

Until next time!

RR ~

Top Tips for Managing Anxiety (and Depression) Part 3 - Helplines

Hi everyone,

A short post today on my next tip! Its nice for you to have different length posts to read and also because today has been a day of simply surviving... This picture comes to mind and really helps.

Today I'm blogging about Tip #4 Mental Health Helplines

In our house I have the numbers for my favourite helplines on a pin-board near my wristbands and numbers chalkboard (see Tip #1). If my numbers get too high and I feel the anxiety or depressive feelings need to be let out and I REALLY need a listening ear, then I know these numbers are there. The phone comes out and so do my emotions! And I feel LIGHTER.... 

Here are a few to ponder: 

Samaritans 116 123

SANEline 0300 304 7000 *

CALM 0800 58 58 58 
(a helpline for men who need a safe space to chat and they have a web chat too if you'd prefer)

* I use the Textcare service too. You can register to get free text messages of kind words and encouragement at times of the week you can often feel low. There's lots of other support too, including web forums and Caller Care! Check it out! 

And there's a more extensive list here from the NHS! NHS Mental Health Helplines

Sometimes it can be really nerve wracking to call a helpline. All kinds of thoughts run through my head... what if I clam up and can't speak, what will they ask me, what should I say first, is it weak to call for help.... and the onslaught goes on!..... 

If these thoughts sound familiar or are coming to mind now just thinking of calling a helpline, then I can tell you - take positive action despite your thoughts. We're all human, humans have emotions. Emotions are awesome things. They make us beautiful, give us the power to connect to others and do amazingly fun and kind things together! But they can also make us feel terrible and they're sometimes pretty hard to understand.... But that's normal! Everybody needs to manage their emotions to lead healthy lives. And I've found these helplines are a great way to do this. 

The people on the end of the line are always so kind and understanding, and so proud of you for calling and sharing! Please try to tell yourself you're not weak. How is it weak to take action to help ourselves feel at our best? Surely its responsible and what we all deserve... Easier said then done I know! Particularly with the stigma so many of us face. And I'm not here to tell you how to think, but I do want to encourage others to support their own mental wellbeing and the wellbeing of others. But take it from me, a fellow 'emotionalist' who fights to tell herself she's not weak, far from it, we're brave! 

So when are some of the instances helplines have helped me? 

1. In the middle of the night when I've felt suicidal.

2. When I feel a panic attack building.

3. When I'm on my own, for whatever reason, and I feel down or demotivated.

4. When I feel a problem is overwhelming me and I need to verbalise things to       think more clearly.

5. When I just can't stop crying.

6. When I feel angry (it's a great alternative to just yelling at the nearest poor soul).

And I'm sure there will be more times, and I'm ok with that. I'm so lucky we have volunteers there to listen. 

I hope this might help you to think if you might like to try calling one in future. It can be another tool in the coping strategy toolbox that might just work for you. 

Thank you so much for reading,

Compassionista x

P.S. I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about any emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing, please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible. 

Top Tips for Managing Anxiety Part 2 'How to create your own Emergency Box'

Hello again everyone,


I hope my last post was helpful to you and thank you so much for reading and supporting me! Now for my next tip!

Oh, and.... I'm going to be TOTALLY honest here, so its like letting any readers in on a life that used to be private. Forgive me if it's too detailed for you, but if we don't start talking about exactly what we do to overcome mental health difficulties then we've missed a trick, because we can help each other.


3. The Emergency Box.

If I become aware that my anxiety is becoming really high or I feel I'm starting to move into a more depressed mood, I get the Emergency Box out. Sometimes I don't manage to realise I need it myself and hubby says, 'I think you need your box honey...' I tell you what though, if I've put my red wristband on and I'm not within 2 feet of that box, I know I need to stop whatever I'm trying to battle through doing or 'getting on with' and use my box.

So, what is in my Emergency Box and what is it for?

My Emergency Box was put together on recommendation of a friend who had made one for someone. It was a box full of all her favourite things that she could go to when she felt really low. It was hoped it would be a prompt towards remembering all the good things in life (which the anxiety goggles make very, very blurry sometimes, like we're swimming under water and we can't see or breath....) and encourage her to keep going and keep fighting to stay well.

My box started off as a big PINK box with flowers all over it from Paperchase (overcoming my anxiety has at times meant its been like stationary on prescription), but has since become a more muted taupe coloured box as I've aged a bit and now only let 'neutral' colours enter my home.... anyway!

What's inside my box?

1. A message to myself from myself. I read this first: 'Well done for coming to the box. It means you're bubbling right now (bubbling is my word to describe very high anxiety, where I feel like my blood is bubbling). I want you to remember the times in the past you've used the things in here to calm you down and you've moved passed the anxiety you're feeling right now. It will be ok. You can do this.'

2. Instructions of how to use the box. When I'm really, really really anxious, I literally need it one-step-at-a-time. So I've written myself instructions for what to use and in what order. It helps me to see past the anxiety googles!

3. A candle. The first thing I do is light my candle. It's just a small candle, and it's white. To me, white signals clarity and peace, the true essence of myself. This is what I'm always aiming to feel. To drown out all the noise, and just let my own natural light shine through and show me the way. This is my 'little guiding light' like the song we used to sing at Brownies. This step gives me great HOPE. Once its lit I know I can start to calm down and enjoy the box! (This might not ring true with everyone, and that's ok. This is an ethos I've developed over the years of overcoming anxiety and depression.... hopefully I can share this more in future. But for now, just think about whether a candle could signal to you how you have survived feeling this anxious before, and you can survive again).

4. A blank piece of paper. The next instruction tells me to use the piece of paper to write down what I think has bought me to this state. Sometimes its one immediate thing, perhaps I had a triggering phone call from someone, or sometimes its lots of things that have built up. I will just write short phrases or single words. This is the communication and self regulation thing happening again......Now I'm a tiny bit clearer and I can give the paper to my 'safe' person (hubby) so that they can actively begin helping me. If you don't live with your 'safe' person or they're not around at this time, you can send them a photo of the paper. (see previous post on tips to find a safe person) Knowledge is self-regulation, so we're beginning to clear some of the anxiety mist now. 

(There's more though.... in case you're thinking, a candle and a piece of paper and the Compassionista thinks I'm feeling better?!?!)

5. The next instruction tells me to write down my numbers (see previous post) and write it down or text it to my 'safe' person. 

6. Put my favourite song on my ipod speakers. Mine is 'The Way You Look Tonight', the Maroon 5 version - it just makes me feel bouncy!

7. Next is something most people LOVE to do! I eat chocolate! I have, wrapped up in my box, some dark chocolate. I make sure I always replenish it, so its always stocked up! I have been eating dark chocolate (in moderation) ever since I read about foods that can help depression, so that's for about 5 years now! This is just a nice thing to do for yourself. It's saying 'its ok that you feel this way', and it recognises that you need to give your self love and comfort (SELF COMPASSION). It can be anything you like to eat that is a real treat, because in that moment when my anxiety is that bad, my own understanding of compassion says that the primary focus is to help me feel better in that moment, so eating sugary and yummy food is a good thing! I've recently discovered mug cake sachets and added one of those to my box too!

8. Now I read my 'hopes and dreams post-its'. When I was really suffering clinical depression, hubby and I wrote down some hopes on post-its. They were things that even through the dark mist I could see would bring me joy and we agreed they could be possible one day. The deal was that I kept fighting my illness, to get to those hopes. I will share them, as I hope it will help you have your own reflections. I have three pink post-its (they're 4 years old now). One says, baby, one says bunny and one says wedding. When I wrote these they seemed illusive... But now I'm married (and I loved our wedding despite my anxiety), we're buying a place together and we have plans to put pets in it! This helps me reflect and feel HOPEFUL. Now the anxiety mist is really shifting.

9. Chai Latte. Or any beverage of your choice. I find hot drinks incredibly relaxing. Also I know a milky hot drink gets me protein and calories, which my body needs to have to recover from the draining anxiety. This is another important step in caring for yourself. You are worthy of care and you're showing yourself that by making a lovely hot drink. So I keep a pot of chai latte powder in my box and my favourite mug is in there too. (I have a milk frother to make mine.... literally it is AMAZING, get one!) 

This is also a good point to mention mindfulness. If any of you have tried any mindfulness, making a hot drink is a great exercise to practice paying mindful attention. If you can learn to do this you're even further on your way to clearing the mist. If anyone would like to learn mindfulness I would recommend the Headspace app or for this specific activity, week 1 of Ruby Wax's mindfulness course in 'A Mindfulness Guide for the Frazzled.'

10. Next is another activity to bring attention to my senses. As soon as you bring your attention to the senses the self-regulation part of your brain is activated. It is a completely different system to the one thats involved in anxiety. This is why these sense activities can start to calm you down a little and just take the heat off. I have some hand cream from our hotel room when we got married. I keep it in the box, I smell it and gently rub it into my hands. I love the smell and I begin to connect to happy memories. This helps to give my anxiety a sense of impermanence, because if anxiety always stayed, I wouldn't have got through my wedding day! Do you have a favourite hand cream, lip balm, body lotion or perfume/aftershave. Perhaps you just love the smell, perhaps a loved one bought it for you or perhaps it reminds you of a special occasion. Add it to your box. 

11. Next, I look through a few more 'happy memory' items. I have a note card from my husband when he bought me Ruby Wax's Mindfulness book, it reminds me how much he loves and cares about me, and I have a little doll a friend knitted me at Christmas. This particular friend is a very calming one! You might like to choose photos, holiday souvenirs or gifts you've been given. Basically anything you cherish and makes you feel good. 

Wow - there's a lot of steps here... is she still going?.....

Yes she is!!!

12. Now I get into the 'nitty gritty' of dealing with my anxiety. The next step is to use a classic CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) technique that gets to the bottom of the anxiety and levels it out nicely. I have a copy of an ABC sheet in the box and a pen, all there, all ready for me. I ABC the situation/my emotions/my thoughts and I try to challenge them. I 'take my anxious thoughts to court' to see if they are really worth believing! This gives me a more helpful perspective and moves me towards feeling more balanced and positive once more. 

Now, the ABC technique is a whole post in itself. But it is such an important step in this routine. It moves me past the thoughts that hold me hostage, whilst the other things in my box turn my mind's heat down. I've become quite confident in using this technique, but I've practiced a lot and I've had the help of a psychologist. But I first found it in the book CBT for Dummies. I would really recommend this as a great place to start to learn this technique and become skilled at it. Here is a copy of an ABC sheet I like if you'd like to try one. ABC Sheet 

13. We're nearly there now.... nearly calm... to finish calming down I do a relaxation exercise or a mindfulness exercise. Anything like this takes practice, so if you find one you like and think you could use, practice it often when you're feeling calmer. Then it will serve you well when you're anxious. I will share some of the exercises I use in future. But in the meantime you could try the Headpace app. I use this a lot and I find it really helps. Or if you'd like a relaxation exercise this one is similar to the one my therapist taught me Peaceful Place (Safe Place) Imagery. 

14. Finally! I read a positive affirmative quote from a book my Dad bought me Positive Quotations. It's a fantastic way to sense perspective and to recognise that you have managed to relax your mind and body from the difficult place they started when you came to your box. I really love this book, thank you Dad!

And we're there!... We have an Emergency Box!

Wow! That was a long post! I hope it was worth getting to this point though! Please leave comments if you find it helpful or have any questions. I hope this helps some of you or at least is an insightful read. 

Next time, we carry on with the Top Tips including helplines, scheduling your time and self-care. And I'm sure we'll delve into CBT and Mindfulness some more. Oh, and if you're feeling really emotional now, a blog can be a difficult read.... so I'm going to try my hand at making some of these tips into vlogs, so you can watch instead! watch this space!

Thank you so much for reading,

Compassionista x

P.S.

I must stress that these are my own personal tips and experiences. I am not a trained medical professional and these ideas wouldn't suit everyone. If you are concerned about an emotions, feelings or symptoms your experiencing please seek the advice of a trained medical professional as soon as possible.