1. It's OK to be a carer
There's something quite disconcerting about the first time you are referred to as a "carer". You've been with your partner for however long and feel like you know them inside out. You know their brilliance, their flaws, their likes/dislikes, and their passions. In fact you don't just feel you know, you know you know. So when someone refers to you as their carer, you think to yourself, "Eh? I'm not a carer - I'm their partner! What are you talking about - they're not in need of a carer!" Then you take a step back and realise that all this time, it's not them that you've not known about or been aware of - it's you. You've perhaps always spent time helping your partner through difficult times, or supporting them through anxiety/panic attacks, or helping them through depression, but you may never have considered yourself as a carer. It may feel quite uncomfortable to class yourself as a carer, but believe me that part of our journey has been critical to us. As soon as I was able to step back and see what I was doing, I was able to start supporting myself too. Anxiety/depression/any kind of mental ill health is like a virus - it starts in one, then spreads to others. It's very difficult to stay afloat sometimes but this is exactly why it's so important to recognise that if it is in your family, you all need help and support.
2. No-one teaches you how to handle this
It seems obvious, but there genuinely is no manual for how to approach life when there's mental health difficulties involved. I spend so much of my time wondering if I am doing the best thing for my partner and whether other people would be more able/if I'm the right person for them.
I promise though - if you're with your partner, you listen, hug, and support them - you're doing a great job. Don't be too hard on yourself if you can, there's no "correct" way.
3. You'll feel very conflicted about lots of things
I've been with my partner for 10 years now (for my sins) and time seems to have genuinely flown by. I thought I'd never get to the age where I understood and appreciated cliches but sadly I think I have succumbed to the Hollywood notion of time flying. It has been 10 wonderful years, but 10 years full of challenges, heartache, and fear with lives surrounded by mental illness. I've always wondered to myself if I would have changed any of it and in truth, it's a difficult question. I would give literally anything I have ever experienced/owned for my partner to not have to go through what she does, without even thinking about it (in fact if anyone can offer this service, I do have quite a nice car you might like). On the other hand, all of the experiences we have been through has made us who we both are. I love my partner and I wouldn't have her any other way. Quite a dichotomy! How the hell am I meant to reconcile that?! Answer is - I don't think I can!
4. It might be quite difficult to keep track of your own wellbeing
This really is a bugger. Remember what I said about mental illness being a virus? Yeah it really does get places. It's very hard to balance a life with someone when there's mental ill health in the middle of it, and I've often found times where I am so focused on my partner that the next day I'm feeling like utter rubbish. I've had quite a few tests for some physical illnesses that have shown nothing. Why I wonder? Because they were much more likely to be affected by stress.
The clincher? You might feel guilty if you prioritise yourself. Oh yes - your brain is good at playing the guilt card! I've had to learn though that I'm of no use to anyone if I'm burned out, frazzled, and stressed - I have to make sure I look after myself just as much as I do anyone else around me.
5. Get ready to be angry
Yes, it is unfair.
Yes, the NHS struggles with mental health.
Yes, this is happening.
Yes, you may be in it for the long haul.
Yes, some people may not understand.
Yes, I promise you, there are people out there that can help.
Anger is common. It's a massive deal all of this, and your emotion needs to express it somehow. I know I need to both let my anger be, but to also challenge it where possible.
6. You'll want more than anything to be their Superman/Superwoman
This is possibly the hardest and most heart-breaking part of being a carer. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help my partner through a difficult period, but sometimes all you can do is to be there. Not to give advice, help, or anything. Actually just to physically be there. If you're wondering what to do and how to help, and that nothing seems to be helping - just try being there. There's nothing more important than just being there selflessly and non-judgementally for someone. Trust me, they'll thank you for it so much more than anything else. Nothing has ever put across the difficulty of being a carer better than this picture (it's from a wonderful book you can get here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431)
These points are just the tip of the iceberg, and I could go into more. I hope though that if, like me, you are caring for someone (or even if you know a carer) you can start to feel less isolated, less alone. It's going to be scary sometimes, but you'll get through. You're doing a wonderful job.
Next time I'll post about some of things I try to do to keep myself afloat, and also some of the things I have been able to help my partner with over the years. In time, I'll also share some of my experiences around therapeutic services, talking therapies, carer support, mental health charities, and others, and I hope that they will be of some support.
Until next time!
RR ~
No comments:
Post a Comment